


Things we shouldn't do, but do anyway

by thatsformetoknow



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cannon compliant, M/M, Soulmate AU, also injuries show but you cant feel them, depressed!tsukishima, most of this is really fluffy, tadashi tries to help but doesnt know how, things you write on your skin show up on your soulmates, to be honest though, tw depression, tw self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 13:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13571277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsformetoknow/pseuds/thatsformetoknow
Summary: He feels incredibly heavy suddenly and so he goes back into his room and sits on his bed, pulling a long shirt over his head and he picks up a pen.I love you. I’m sorry.He writes on the palm of his hand.Come over.He writes on the inside of his thumb and waits for the reply.Now?Yes.





	Things we shouldn't do, but do anyway

**Author's Note:**

> tw self harm, tw depression

Kei shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t because it’s two am and he’ll wake Tadashi. He shouldn’t, but he brings the blade to his thigh anyway, pressing and dragging until red blossoms out of the cut and he blows out a breath, closing his eyes momentarily. When he opens them, there is a tiny flower drawn next to the cut and he watches as Tadashi writes.

_Please don’t_

_Please let me._

Kei writes back, making three quick more cuts.

_Kei_

Tadashi writes and Kei slashes the flower that Tadashi had drawn.

_Please stop it_

He draws a few more flowers and Kei watches as they appear on his skin.

_Sorry._

_Only say sorry if you mean it_

Kei doesn’t write back after that, cursing this damned soulmate thing because if he should be able to have control over something, it should be his own body, but no; Tadashi gets that too.

Kei looks into the darkness that is his bedroom and puts his headphones on, turning the volume up all the way and pressing shuffle. He stays like that until four and then attempts to sleep. He doesn’t sleep until five.

_Good morning, Tsukki_

Is what Kei wakes up to written on his wrist and he can’t help the tiny smile that tugs at the corner of his lips. 

_Morning._

They have morning volleyball practice this morning, so after Kei showers he puts his practice clothes on and makes his way to school, meeting Tadashi half-way as they do each morning.

Tadashi waves brightly to him as he approaches and Kei extends a hand for Tadashi to latch onto as they walk side by side together.

‘How are you feeling?’ Tadashi asks and Kei clenches his jaw.

‘Absolutely fine.’ He says flatly and Tadashi stops walking.

‘Don’t.’ He says emptily, sounding tired and Kei softens.

‘I don’t know what you want my answer to be.’ 

‘Honest.’ Tadashi implores him, taking his other hand and holding the both of them tightly. ‘You don’t have to keep shutting me out.’

‘I don’t feel the need to talk about it.’ 

‘If you’re messing me up as well, hurting me, I think you should at least talk to me about it.’

‘It doesn’t hurt you, you can only see it.’ Kei shrugs him off, ripping one of his hands away and beginning to walk again.

‘That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, idiot.’ Tadashi scolds him. ‘It may have escaped your notice, over the past eight years we’ve known each other, but I love you.’ Tadashi says with a roll of his eyes and Kei doesn’t know what to say to that.

‘I know.’ He settles for. 

‘Then why are you doing this? You said you’d stop.’

‘No, actually, you told me to stop. I agreed to nothing.’

‘Kei!’ Tadashi says desperately, but Kei simply pulls his hand out of Tadashi’s and puts his headphones in and they walk the rest of the way in silence. 

They don’t talk to one another all practice and Kei knows that Tadashi is angry and he should probably apologise, but he just can’t find it in himself to care for the time being. He can care later.

He snaps more at Kageyama during practice, which only starts a fight and so Kei sits out for the rest of practice. Tadashi stands with Hinata and only spares Kei a glance.

_Sorry_

Tadashi writes on his forearm during their English class. Kei glances up to where Tadashi is sitting three seats in front and one to the left of him. He’s looking out the window. Kei doesn’t reply.

_Fuck you, I shouldn’t be the one apologising_

He writes a few minutes later and Kei doesn’t know how to respond to that so he doesn’t. He probably should but then again he should probably do a lot of things, and Kei has never been one for that. 

He and Tadashi will sort themselves out, they always do. He sees it when he’s just finished showering, dimly lit by his bedside lamp. Red lines on his thigh.

_What the fuck are you doing._

He writes angrily; is Tadashi trying to prove a point? Idiot.

_Figuring out why you do it_

He says and Kei rolls his eyes. 

_You’re an idiot._

_Yes, well I love you so I must be_

Tadashi writes back and Kei knows he doesn’t mean it like that but it still stings. 

Kei gets his blade out of his drawer and makes a particularly deep gash across all of Tadashi’s little scratches. Tadashi stops after that.

When Kei wakes he falters a little. His arms are covered from mid upper to wrist are covered with writing. His fingers have individual words written up them. They’re just mindless words, nothing too special. ‘Stardust’, ‘Dinosaurs’ and ‘Pancakes’ are a few of them.

It’s the same on his other arm and getting up and going into the bathroom reveals to him that words also litter his stomach and thighs all the way down past his knees.

Kei stops himself from rolling his eyes as he looks at the words around his cuts.

_I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you so fucking much Kei you honestly, could never fathom. It breaks my heart when you do this and I know you’re hurting, I know and I wish I could help and I never can. I try and I try and I try but I can never help, everything I do, every fucking thing if anything I make it worse. I just want to help you. I just want to keep you safe and protect you and love you and you don’t want it and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore because it hurts so fucking much. It hurts so fucking much when I wake up and they’re there and I know that I missed it that I was asleep and you were hurting and I missed it, but then when I dont and I try to help and you just cut up my drawings and I don’t know what to do because you wont answer your phone and you won’t talk to me and I can’t stop it you don’t want to stop it but I just want you to be okay, Kei. I just want you to be happy at last and I can’t do it, I can’t help and it makes me want to die, I love you more than anything in this goddamned planet, fuck that the universe and I just. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. Please, I can’t keep doing this. YOU can’t keep doing this. You can’t, Kei, we can’t._

Kei can see where Tadashi’s hand shook as he wrote it and he thinks that Tadashi was probably crying. He thinks he probably started with that. Kei doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what to think because he knew it hurt Tadashi, of course it would. If Tadashi was doing it for real reasons, Kei would be in pieces. But to have it laid out for him like that? He feels a lump in his throat and god, it’s far too early for this. 

The rest of the words on him are recollections of different moments that they had shared together throughout their lives and Kei wonders how long Tadashi was up doing this for. Others are just little rambles that got out of hand, about dinosaurs and the universe and why soggy fries taste better than usual fries. 

It’s early, but Kei decides to skip showering this morning, wanting to leave the words on there for a little longer. There’s morning practice again today, which honestly, is the bane of Kei’s existence and he doesn’t understand why they must go in early to practice when they already have after school practice, but he supposes that nationals are nearing and everyone feels the need to put in the extra time. 

He feels incredibly heavy suddenly and so he goes back into his room and sits on his bed, pulling a long shirt over his head and he picks up a pen.

_I love you. I’m sorry._

He writes on the palm of his hand. 

_Come over._

He writes on the inside of his thumb and waits for the reply.

_Now?_

_Yes._

Tadashi doesn’t write back after that but Kei knows that he’s on his way. A glance to the clock tells him that by the time he arrives, his parents will have left for work and he’ll be alone. It only takes around fifteen minutes for Tadashi to arrive, and he lets himself in with they key that Kei had given him at least five years ago and he listens to Tadashi’s footsteps as he comes up the stairs.

He throws Tadashi a soft smile as he comes into his room and Kei opens his arms and Tadashi falls into them.

‘What about practice?’ Tadashi says softly into Kei’s shoulder.

‘Don’t care.’ Kei replies, holding Tadashi tight against him. ‘I’m sorry.’ He says and he knows that Tadashi knows he means it this time.

‘I know, Kei. I know.’ He replies gently, sitting up and threading his fingers through Kei’s hair, eyes glistening with tears.

‘How much sleep did you get last night?’ Kei asks, leaning into Tadashi’s touch.

‘Not a lot.’ He says with a tired laugh.

‘I’m sorry.’ Kei apologises again, and moves to get up and Tadashi follows him. He pulls the duvet back and gets into bed, lying as close to the wall as he can and opens the covers for Tadashi.

Tadashi takes off his gym kit and socks and Kei looks at his skin painted with words as he goes to Kei’s chest of drawers and puts on one of Kei’s shirts before joining him in bed.

‘I love you.’ Kei mumbles into Tadashi’s neck.

‘I love you too, Kei.’ Tadashi replies, holding Kei against him and tracing his fingertips over his back.

Kei can feel a pricking at the back of his eyes and its stupid, stupid, so stupid, but he lets the tears spill over anyway because he’s so used to feeling numb, so used to feeling empty that he can’t stop it. And once they come, they don’t stop, and he’s shaking and sobbing and Tadashi is holding him and speaking soothingly and softly and rocking Kei gently back and forth.

Kei isn’t sure how long he cries for, but he knows that he needed it and eventually he’s just breathing softly, face in Tadashi’s neck and eyes tightly closed and he’s warm, and Tadashi is holding him just as tightly as before and it’s stupid but Kei feels safer than he ever has.

‘We shouldn’t skip school.’ Kei says at last, pulling away and rolling onto his back to look at Tadashi. Tadashi rolls onto his side to face him, and brushes his hands through Kei’s hair where it has stuck to the side of his face.

‘We shouldn’t. We shouldn’t do a lot of things.’ He says gently with a smile. ‘But we do anyway.’

Kei hums and closes his eyes. ‘You shouldn’t love me but you do.’ He says offhandedly and then feels Tadashi’s hand on his face.

‘Hey.’ He says and Kei opens his eyes to look at him. ‘Loving you is one thing I am absolutely positive I _should_ be doing. Okay?’ He asks, eyes filled with passion and Kei wills himself not to well up again because god he’s cried enough to last him the rest of the year.

‘Okay.’ Kei says thickly, nodding, and lets Tadashi pull him close once more. ‘Okay.’ He repeats softly into Tadashi’s skin, closing his eyes and figuring that one day of school won’t hurt anyone. He needs this; they both need this.

**Author's Note:**

> this was a bitch to code. 
> 
> but,,, i realised ive never written a soulmate au???? and kei is my fave we all know that,,,,, and,,,, sorry for hurting him,,,  
> dont do what these boys did, kids, support the people you love in healthy ways pls
> 
> comments are greatly appreciated!
> 
> EDIT: ,,,,,i might (will) write more of this so keep an eye out, mmkay?


End file.
